


I Would Make a Joke About Fate, Destiny, and Chance, but You’re Not Worth It, Motherfucker

by slashmania



Series: 50 Thousand Words (from October to December!) [16]
Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Arthur is incandescent when he's angry, Heroism, M/M, hero - Freeform, it just feels like a word Eames would use for Arthur, stupid muggers, stupid robbers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 22:34:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21726637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slashmania/pseuds/slashmania
Summary: Arthur's a hero. Unwillingly. All he wanted to do after the successful Somnacin test was to get everyone coffee, not save the day.
Relationships: Arthur/Eames (Inception)
Series: 50 Thousand Words (from October to December!) [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1503791
Kudos: 27





	I Would Make a Joke About Fate, Destiny, and Chance, but You’re Not Worth It, Motherfucker

**Author's Note:**

> Day 16: Hero  
> 2,221 words
> 
> Truth be told, this was originally going to be a 'Arthur somehow gets superpowers after testing the latest Somnacin', but I changed my mind and wrote about Arthur doing the right thing when he runs into a mugger.

Arthur was feeling great. He was feeling fine after the tests of the Somnacin. Sure he had woken up a little fuzzy, but it wasn’t any worse than the other tests he would do for the chemist of any other team.

“On a scale from one to ten, Arthur, how would you rate your nausea, dizziness, or other symptoms?” Yusuf had a clipboard and a pen. He was documenting everything from these tests.

“What other symptoms would that mean?” Arthur asked.

Yusuf shrugged unhelpfully and said, “Whatever things you’re currently experiencing that do not involve nausea or dizziness. Are you feeling anything now?”

Arthur nodded and sat up in his chair. “I feel really good,” Arthur said to the chemist. “I’m not dizzy or sick. The dream went well, nothing out of the ordinary happened down there. But I still feel good, and I’m not sure why?”

Yusuf didn’t think much of this, negatively or positively. “Maybe you’re just having a good day for once, Arthur. If you begin to notice anything strange, please tell me about it and we’ll work out the problems in the compound.”

Arthur took Yusuf’s advice to heart and moved on to do what he usually did after he tested a compound.

* * *

Arthur went to go and get some coffee for everyone. When walking down the street he heard a woman scream!

A struggle was taking place where a man was attempting to rip the screaming woman’s purse away from her, but was having trouble getting it off of her for some reason. Even from down the block Arthur could see that she had done what Arthur’s own mother would have done with her purse while walking the streets of New York; the woman had taken the shoulder strap and positioned it so that it was hugging the line of her torso- the purse was fairly small with a longer shoulder strap (something standard rather than a crossbody type, Arthur thought) that she must have walked out the front door with after slipping the shoulder strap over her head, letting the strap rest on her right shoulder while the body of the purse rested against her left side.

The flummoxed but still focused mugger was dragging her along the street while the people closest to her just stared in shock.

“Fuck,” Arthur swore. He had rules for how he interacted with civilians when he was working a job. He didn’t want to get involved or be remembered. Arthur didn’t need anyone to remember him for being their hero.

But if not a single soul was going to step up, Arthur was going to have to do it. Maybe it was because he’d been thinking of his mother, maybe he was just being kinder than a dream criminal had a right to be. Whatever.

Arthur raced over to where the two were still struggling- the determined mugger had almost gotten the screaming woman’s purse over her head, still dragging her along with his hold on her bag and the strap that was around her neck.

“Hey!” Arthur shouted at the mugger. “Get away from her!”

When the mugger heard the sound of Arthur’s voice, he looked up with a sneer but that soon dropped off his face when he spotted Arthur, incandescent in his rage. Arthur smiled because that was something that Eames said of him once. A real compliment from the forger that had been worth so much even if it was about how being pissed off about something stupid that had happened made Arthur look ‘full of strong emotion, passionate’ instead of ‘emitting light as a result of being heated’ like the internet dictionary described when Arthur took the chance to look it up.

Maybe the mugger was thrown by his rage or his passion or his smile while he told him to get away from her, but he couldn’t get a word out fast enough to stop Arthur from punching him in the mouth.

The mugger stumbled away, having let go the purse to try and evade Arthur. So thankfully the woman was at least a little out of the way of his strike. She was watching Arthur with widened eyes.

“Now get the fuck away from her or I’m going to belt you again! Unless you really want that, motherfucker?” Arthur threatened, feeling the weight of his pistol in his shoulder holster, but didn’t want to make this rescue any more sensational than it had to be. Then he could be questioned about illegally carrying a weapon without a permit. And that would definitely make him late getting back to the warehouse with the coffees he had promised the team.

The mugger weighed his options in the second it took to look at Arthur’s face and guess that _Arthur_ wanted to belt him again. The frightened mugger turned in the opposite direction and ran away.

The woman, much older than he’d originally thought, looked up at Arthur with tears in her eyes.

“Thank you so much,” she was saying as she reached out to clasp Arthur’s hands in her own. “I didn’t think anyone was going to come to help me.”

The people who could have helped her but didn’t had either walked away or stood by sheepishly holding their cell phones as if they had been making the call to 911, but clearly hadn’t.

“It’s okay, ma’am,” Arthur said, recalling what he should say in these situations. “You really don’t have to thank me, when I spotted you I only thought of what my own mother would want me to do in the same situation.”

Arthur cringed to himself over that explanation because even if it was taking the place of ‘Running up and punching that man was easier than pulling out my gun and shooting him for you, because of reasons and legality and the fact that someone would have definitely recording me doing all of that and I would end up on the news...I’m a criminal, by the way.’

Arthur tried to exit the situation gracefully, but was given a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and a butterscotch candy for all of his trouble.

* * *

Arthur continued to the Starbucks he was originally headed for when he interrupted that mugging. Arthur was just trying to behave naturally and not garner any more attention because he couldn’t be sure if anyone hadn’t recorded anything on their phones, or even followed him into this place, so he just wanted to get the coffees and leave. Well not everyone wanted _coffee_ but something that Arthur could get at a Starbucks any way.

Ariadne had wanted a Chai tea latte ( _If it isn’t too much trouble._ ).

Cobb wanted a hot chocolate ( _But skinny Hot Chocolate, Arthur. You know, it’s low fat or made with skim milk or something like that?_ )

Yusuf wanted something called a Medicine Ball. That had been an interesting conversation. ( _No, Arthur. It’s a special drink they make for people with colds. Its tea and lemonade. Yes, it’s dumb that they don’t keep fresh lemon for the tea, but whatever. It works so well for this cold I’m fighting right now. Please ask for extra packets of honey._ )

Eames wanted whatever Arthur was having. ( _I just don’t have a preference, love. I’ll have the same as you. I trust your tastes and sense of taste._ )

The last was kind of odd because Eames usually wanted tea of some kind. But maybe he decided to go along with what Arthur would drink because it almost always had a double shot of espresso in it. The man did look a little tired this morning.

While Arthur was waiting in line he noticed a familiar person at the head of the line.

“- just give me everything in the register! All of it!” The mugger now coffee shop robber was saying to the cashier.

Arthur’s eyes narrowed and the people in this line who had seen him punch this man on the street to defend an older woman shot him glances over their shoulders.

Arthur sighed. He pressed one finger to his lips, encouraging the people in line who were still looking at him to remain silent. He also gestured for them to get out of his way and clear a path.

They parted like the Red Sea before Arthur’s progressively darkening glare, allowing Arthur to quietly approach the man now trying to rob this coffee shop. Even the cashier stepped further away from the register when he saw Arthur coming up behind the man trying to rob them.

“Hey- what are you doing?” The man began bitching. “Give me that money! All of it, and fast you bastard!”

Arthur grabbed the man by the back of the head, really tightening his grip on the mugger’s hair. Before the mugger could do more than squawk indignantly and flail around with his dull pocket knife, Arthur bashed the previously unsuccessful mugger's (now an unsuccessful robber's) head down on the counter so he would shut the fuck up.

Arthur struck him just hard enough to disorient him and make that idiot drop the pocket knife.

“I would make a joke about fate, destiny, and chance, but you’re not worth it, motherfucker. You didn’t even get one mile from the scene of your last attempted crime and ended up in the same damn situation.”

The guy sputtered and turned his head just far enough to see Arthur’s face. “You- you’ve got to be kidding me?”

Arthur leaned over the guy and said, “I don’t think I have to punch you in the face again, right? Considering that I’ve bloodied up these people’s nice counter by bashing your head against it, this should be a good incentive for you- get the hell out of here, don’t try to rob the next place or person you find. You’ll never know if I’m going to be there too, you know?”

The previously unsuccessful mugger now unsuccessful robber nodded quickly. “Yeah, exactly. That’s right. I’m going straight now, I won’t bother anybody else, I promise!”

So Arthur let him go, gave him a shove towards the door, and waited for him to stumble out on to the street. When the door closed, Arthur was given a round of applause from the people in the line and the other customers seated at tables enjoying their drinks.

Cheeks pinking in embarrassment, Arthur cleared his throat and nodded sharply to them, then turned to face the cashier who had already used some kind of cleanser to wipe the blood from the counter. It smelled faintly of rubbing alcohol.

Before Arthur could place his order, the cashier said, “Whatever you’re getting, man, it’s free. I’m buying your coffee.” He noticed the list for the others that Arthur had made just in case he forgot some small detail about one of the orders. The cashier corrected himself, “Everything on your list, sir. What can I get started for you today?”

* * *

When Arthur got back the news of his heroism was already on Twitter. Both the mugging and the robbery were noted. Whoever had taken video of it had managed to not get his face in either of the events, so he guessed that was a small blessing.

But his team mates knew about it...

“Arthur, you’re a hero!” Ariadne said when he gave her the Chai latte.

“Not really.”

“But you saved that woman from that mugger _and_ the same guy that went to rob the Starbucks!” Cobb took a sip of his hot chocolate and smiled brightly. “And this is a skinny hot chocolate, just like I asked!”

Arthur rolled his eyes, still holding all of the coffees in their cardboard tray. “I can read a note and the cashier at the shop was polite in enough to explain what _skinny_ meant for any order at their shop.”

“You saved people today, Arthur, that’s wonderful. But can I also add that you’re wonderful for scoring me a _Venti_ Medicine Ball?”

“Sure, Yusuf, you can. The cashier was so happy about what I did that he also upgraded your drink to a larger size.”

Arthur finally got to Eames, who looked very excited to see that Arthur was holding a cup identical to his own, with all the same labels as his own.

“So what are we having this morning, hero?”

Arthur clinked to go coffee cups with Eames and said, “I felt like something special after all that. Today we’re drinking Venti Peppermint Mocha’s. Mostly because of the espresso. But also because I rarely treat myself to holiday drinks.”

“Perfect choice, Arthur. Its just perfect.”

“Well I am feeling pretty good today. The compound didn’t give me any weird side effects aside from feeling happy. I got to stop two crimes without pulling out a gun. I got a butterscotch candy and free coffees, so I guess it really is perfect, Eames.”

“I bet you looked incandescent when you fought off that mugger.”

“I did. I even thought exactly that when I punched him. It’s an excellent way to describe me when my blood is up and I have to make a quick choice.”

“You’re just incandescent, love. Bright, passionate, warm...”

“It would be great if you guys didn’t flirt over your fancy drinks,” Yusuf called out to them while going back to his lab.


End file.
